I can see you: yes you. I can see all of you.
I’ve never had an easy time dating. My friends said I just hadn’t met the right woman. Frankly, I found it presumptuous of them to assume it was a woman I was looking for, but, hey; I did once have a wife, so maybe they were just deducing. Still, it would have felt good to know that they supported me no matter what my choice. In any event, it had been a long time since… I’d had an interaction. The only one I knew was interested was Rose, and the truth was I found her… repulsive. Sure, she was excellent in the interaction department, but she was kind, obedient, and attentive; it made me shudder. It was all I could do to enjoy the romp and get out quick. I was looking for something… alternative.
A few months before, I’d fallen hard, and far, for a lovely little package named Lilith. She’d just been through a painful breakup, and what with me a widower: I thought she’d be all into me. My wife and I, bless her soul, had a lovely relationship. I always treated her with respect. And I never hesitated to let her be on top: in fact, it was my preference. After a long day, it’s good to be taken care of.
But no, Lilith just wasn’t over the other guy. Said she was made for him. Whatever. I just finally had to accept that it was time to move on, though I still loved her. I decided to go on a walk about, well, a fly about: clear my heart through bodily exertion. At least that’s what I intended. I changed into an eagle. We do that, you know. It’s to keep the canines guessing: am I predator or prey? I flip a wing in their direction and they lunge just as I change and then jump back whimpering and giving me that ‘I’ve been a bad dog,’ look. No end of fun. Anyway, so I changed into an eagle and flew toward the outback to be alone. Only I soon remembered that I forgot to eat. I know it’s funny that I remembered that I forgot, but that’s how it went. I never forgot to eat before I fell in love with the little vixen, but that’s love: it leads to starvation.
I looked down and there were three blokes, in my forest, where I’d come to be alone, sitting, prepping some meat for the fire. So I perched up in the tree to have a little fun. I put the time capsule spell on them. My late wife taught it to me. She used it to keep her face youthful. I used it to keep their meat raw. You should have seen them, checking it again and again. It took them hours to look around and see that I was the one doing it to them. And by that time I was starved! I’d have picked a different trick if I’d known how daft they would be.
I promised to lift the spell and let the meat cook as long as they let me eat first. They didn’t even come back with a counteroffer: they just agreed! So the meat cooked. When it was done, they took it from the fire and, appropriately, offered it to me. I flew over and chowed down. I was famished! I’d almost polished it off when one of them came at me with a stick. Me. Came at me with a stick. But then I glanced over at him. He was kind of hot. As I said, it had been too long. By this time, though, he was swinging at me. Instinctively, I grabbed him and took off. I just wasn’t thinking. I was hungry. In more ways than one. It had been too long.
I headed back to my house, and started the descent, when I misjudged and smacked him into a tree. Suffice to say, he was no longer looking so hot. He was looking more like the earlier meat. And it occurred to me that this was a bad idea, anyway.
My daughter, bless her heart, was home, probably making me a dinner I’d like much more than the grody meat the three trespassers served, so I veered upward, and turned to take him back… only to smack him into another tree. He started screaming, in both terror and rage. It would have been kind of sexy if he wasn’t such a mess. On one hand, this was not the relaxing fly-about I was hoping for. On the other, I’ve always found that business transactions go better when the other participant is afraid they’ll die. So I thought quick. Clearly he was no longer dating material, at least not for a few weeks, but maybe he could hook me up.
“Iðunn! I shouted. “Swear you will bring me Iðunn and her apples, and I’ll put you down.” When he didn’t answer, I smacked him into another tree. At that point, it didn’t make much difference. “Next week,” I added, for clarity.
“I swear!” he answered, after another thwack.
You see, oaths, in our world, are unbreakable. You can try to break them. But it doesn’t work out. If you don’t go to the foresworn, the foresworn comes to you. So the following week, I waited in the forest and, sure enough, there was Iðunn, and the previously hot guy, still in recovery. I turned into an eagle once again, and swooped down, grabbing her and taking her back to my house. This time, though, I was so excited I forgot about my daughter.
As soon as I landed, my wee Skaði ran out to show me the cake she had just made: an apple cake. She and Iðunn bonded immediately. They ran into the kitchen together and baked up an apple-flavored storm.
As you might imagine, this is not how I intended things to go. I was thinking a nice dinner, drinks, and maybe some trauma-bonding. But now my girl had taken Iðunn as her plaything. And there’s nothing I can deny my little pumpkin. When I faced that the two of them could keep at this for weeks, I decided enough was enough and flew off to spend some quality time with Rose.
I claimed to be in the area looking for Iðunn, who I’d heard was missing, and spent my days alone in the forest and nights in Rose’s bed. But then, one morning, I was looking out her window, when I saw a falcon leaving my house. I had no falcon friends… but Iðunn had one. And my poor little pumpkin was all alone at home with that apple-bearing immortal.
I took off immediately in pursuit. I flew and flew, as fast as my wings would carry me. It was heading toward the gated community at the other end of the forest: I was in fast pursuit. I was almost upon it, when I passed over the enclosure, and was met by a second wall, this one of flame.
My poor feathers lit like tiki torches and I plummeted to the ground.
“No,” I cried as they set upon me. “Who will look after my wee pumpkin!” And, with that, they plucked out my eyes and threw them into the sky where they still are today: glittering stars.
I can see my pumpkin. I can see you: yes, you. I can see all of you.